The Gratitude of Costs

If gratitude costs nothing, then how do we obtain it?  Life hacks are a great trick when you are young, in order to build that world of belief that most adults have.  Whether it’s a belief in themselves, in science, in the civilized world, or in country.  So many adults believe in something that allows them to be trusted day in and day out with regular things.

So how about me? Where are the words to answer how was your day, or what did you do yesterday.  Articles about depression and problems turn me off every time, reading something that doesnt expand my mind bothers me.  But what bothers me more then a lack of happiness that comes from surprises, friends, and the little things – is the happiness or gratitude that comes from loving yourself.

Without being a spokesperson for helping people live a normal life by fixing them, I need to accept that I should be a voice for therapy, depression, CHEO early onset hearing loss, concussion/ trauma to go along with positives like the pride from the fabric of our great country and the human spirit.  This would be a big step for me personally because I feel so much shame regarding these topics.

I can name the disease if I wish and say that I am going deaf, and wear a hearing aid, but to wear a hearing aid is to hide a part of your spirit.  What that means is that we all have challenges as human beings on earth and often the warmest we feel is a closeness to friends, excelling athletically, or helping strangers.  When the conversations lead to sympatico, such as the flags for france, I begin to feel cold inside or distant.  This is an endothermic reaction to heal the soul when something hurts, and it is relative to someone hitting your arm and then hugging you. its all in an effort for closeness and its usually unintentional.  Now you can see that it is my pride that keeps me from accepting this behaviour.

I actually was ok with this behaviour for a long time until i realized I was having strong maladaptive tendencies after moving a few times and having relationships crushed.  When my parents divorced the shame set in, and this time it was hidden from my friends and I was too proud to open up to girls I liked.  My friends were all about perserverance, individuality, pride and conscientousness.  So when I started having shame build up it was a challenge.  I now know what it means to “out yourself”, and its terrifying.  It’s also unecessary, and I can’t believe how complicated it is.

One of my friends was doing what I would hope I would do, even though I was mixed up all over, he was asking me questions, listening to me, and showing compassion.  I always thought that compassion is what would help people overcome shame.  I tried so hard to get back onto my sports team but coach said, behind my back, that I was a spacecase and people should try to avoid me on the team.  The team that was all I had left didnt like me, my mom was struggling to get a settlement from my loser father who fought her hard enough that he got fired from his job for a lack of focus. The friend I had left asked me to come to terms with things, and I couldn’t do it. Divorced parents discounts the only respect for relationships left in my blood.

Shame feels like your falling, and the beliefs of those around you become what you cling to.  You are orbiting these values and trying to grab something, or possibly you are trying to push things away, depending on your outlook.  Either way, I was alone, and I was outing myself as much as I could.  Every lie I ever told was brought up, every mistake I might have made, every time I got help rather then use my own resources.  Shame and guilt are nasty because its a new feeling about something that might have always been that way, and the path backwards is black but you seek the answers anyways.

The Hack bring back my narcissistic need to get out of depressive situations.  I am maladaptive, I have no one in my family that can provide the support for depression that I need.  Even financial depressions impact my family, and lack of information depresses my dad into making horrible decisions, and emotional depression impacts my mom.  but she never lies and she acts with integrity all the time, and she loves her kids with all her heart and empathetically,  btw she learned complete empathy as an older child or teen! i dont know when but she did it so it can be done…ljucky for me I got all the mirroring techniques etc as a kid and I can face any situation thanks to it!  I also have a sensationalist tendency to let my listening and senses talk for me, even if there is a better word.  And this took me away from logic and away from logic.  It makes me passionate instead of humble. but school will beat you out of that in order to get to the critical thinking..
Crushing your soul with every good, great, bad, try harder that you get at school.  When you are ashamed of yourself and out yourself, then you are prone to be hard enough on yourself for not fitting in.  so glad that I can get my soul back

The loyalty that feels like a trap when you lose your empathy for people who can’t see inside of you is so hard to deal with.  Truth is schools should pay smart people to go and learn, and if your not smart enough then you shouldn’t go.  Scholarships or nothing! I had 1000 dollars per year that I gave up when my parents got divorce and violated their half of the bargain.  depression won.

Im grateful for the social worker that works with me every month to get me back on the”real”.  to give me the same feelings that we all have regarding fear, and allowing me to grow and deal with feelings so that I appreciate feelings.  at the same time I need to remember not to care about things that dont help the greater the evil guy that people need, but also the down to earth guy that is at home in any setting.

And I’m grateful for the positive treatment from my concussion specialist that was paired with goal setting and brain testing.  I still remember that positivity that came from his ability to be thoughtul, intelligent and thorough in his studies, it was basic positivity to support the actual healing i was doing on my own!!!!

Healing occurs on your own! but people can be positive, thoughtful, help you relate.

Guess what this guy did in his spare time, he took the common patients issues that were going unadressed by the world and getting the seed funding for his affiliate school “family to work on”.

We should look at art as a gift to us and a gift we share to give and receive gratitude is the ability of art.  Although it is up to us to personally evolve our tastes or world certain things will give us great enjoyment.  It is the act of giving that allows for patience and focus to evolve around something that we have either longed for, not known we liked, believed in etc.


The Gratitude of Costs

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